You’ll Never Get Better Until You Stop Trying So Hard to Get Better
Hi friends,
If you’ve ever found yourself exhausted from the endless pursuit of “getting better,” welcome to the club nobody really wants to join. You know the drill: you wake up, brace yourself for the symptoms, and then spend the whole day trying to fix, control, analyze, or resist them—only to find you’re right back where you started (or worse). It’s frustrating, and frankly, a little absurd.
Here’s a surprising truth rooted in neuroscience and age-old wisdom: You’ll never get better until you stop trying so hard to get better.
I know, it sounds like one of those paradoxical meditation sayings you find on Instagram next to a picture of a sunset. But it’s true. When it comes to chronic pain, fatigue, anxiety, or any mind-body condition, the harder you fight, the more tangled your nervous system becomes.
Let’s explore why easing off the gas pedal—not flooring it—is the real key to rewiring your brain and calming your nervous system.
Why “Trying Harder” Backfires for Chronic Symptoms
Imagine your nervous system as a beautiful lake. Sometimes the water is still and clear. On other days, there are waves or wind. This is totally normal and expected. When symptoms arise—like chronic pain, fatigue, or anxiety—it’s as if someone has tossed in a big rock, creating large rolling ripples and stirring up sediment from the bottom.
Now, here’s the thing: when you try really hard to calm the water by constantly touching it, stirring, or pushing it down, you actually create more waves. The more you interfere, the less calm the lake becomes. Instead of letting the water settle naturally, your efforts keep the surface churning.
That’s exactly what happens when you fight your symptoms. Trying harder to suppress or control pain or anxiety activates your nervous system’s fight-or-flight response, which keeps your brain on high alert and your body tense. This intensifies the very sensations you’re desperate to stop.
Dr. Claire Weekes, one of my favorite experts in anxiety and nervous conditions, put it simply:
“The harder you try to get rid of symptoms, the more exhausted you become and the symptoms intensify.”
So rather than being the steady hand that soothes the lake, your attempts to control symptoms often stir the water even more—making it harder for calm to return.
The Science of Neuroplasticity and Why Letting Go Works
Neuroplasticity means your brain can rewire itself. It’s how you learned to walk, how a concert pianist mastered their fingers, and yes, how your brain can unlearn chronic symptoms.
But rewiring requires a very special ingredient: safety. Your brain won’t change its alarm settings if it thinks you’re still under threat.
The secret sauce to healing is teaching your nervous system that you are safe. Not by trying to force your body to be symptom-free, but by allowing the sensations to be there without resistance or fear.
Think of your nervous system like a toddler having a tantrum. You can either yell and fight (which usually escalates the meltdown), or you can sit quietly and offer calm reassurance until the storm passes. Neuroplastic healing is about the latter—being gentle and patient with your brain’s “tantrum.”
How Stopping the Struggle Calms the Alarm
A core practice across many mindbody and brain retraining methods is to meet symptoms with a kind of radical acceptance. This means saying internally, “Yes, this is uncomfortable, but I’m not in danger. I’m okay.”
It’s the difference between pleading, “Stop it, stop it!” and calmly whispering, “I see you, nervous system. You’re safe right now.”
When you stop fighting and start accepting, your brain receives a powerful message: I’m not under threat. That signal tells the limbic system to lower the volume on the alarm.
And once the alarm lowers, your symptoms start to ease—not because you’ve “fixed” anything by brute force, but because your nervous system finally trusts it’s safe to relax.
Ways to Stop Trying So Hard
Recovering from chronic mind-body symptoms isn’t about grinding harder or chasing more solutions—it’s about shifting your relationship with your symptoms and your nervous system.
Here are some thoughtful ways to ease off the struggle:
1. Notice When You’re Fighting—and Pause
The first step is awareness. Catch yourself in moments when you’re pushing, controlling, analyzing, or trying to “fix” symptoms. When that happens, take a gentle pause and say, “I don’t have to fight this or figure this out right now.” Even a brief break from resistance can help calm your nervous system.
2. Limit Health-Focused Media and Information
It’s tempting to endlessly read articles, watch videos, or listen to podcasts about your symptoms or condition. But obsessing over health content often keeps your mind locked in fear and problem-solving mode. Try setting boundaries on how much health-related information you consume. Instead, spend more time engaging with uplifting or unrelated topics that nourish your curiosity and joy.
3. Identify Your Crutches
We all have crutches—things we lean on to feel safer or more in control, like checking symptoms obsessively, using meds/supplements excessively, always carrying a certain item in our purse, or asking for reassurance from others. Take an honest inventory of your crutches. What are some things that might be unintentionally reinforcing your focus on symptoms instead of life?
4. Make Healing Less of a Focus
It sounds strange, but making recovery less of a preoccupation can actually open the door to it. When your whole day revolves around “getting better,” you inadvertently keep your nervous system keyed up. I often help clients unlearn the belief that healing is a full-time job. It shouldn’t be! Instead, try shifting your attention toward living your life—even if symptoms are present. Engage with friends, hobbies, work, or new experiences without constantly measuring how you feel.
5. Engage in Normal Life, Even If It Feels Scary
Recovery often happens when you step back into everyday life with a mindset of trying to live or trying to find enjoyment, rather than trying to get better. This might mean attending social events, exercising gently, or going to work—even if your symptoms don’t fully cooperate. The nervous system learns safety by being in the real world, not the bubble.
6. Practice Radical Acceptance
Instead of battling or avoiding unpleasant sensations, practice welcoming them with kindness. Say to yourself, “Yes, this is uncomfortable, but I’m still safe.” This acceptance reduces the brain’s threat perception and helps the nervous system dial down its alarm. Somatic tracking type practices are great for this.
7. Create Space for Rest and Play
Recovery requires balance. Make sure you’re giving yourself time to rest deeply and to play or enjoy lighthearted activities. Both are vital for rewiring your brain toward calm and joy. Don’t wait until you feel a certain way to savor pleasure, do something creative, or socialize with friends.
8. Find Humor and Compassion for Your Nervous System
Remember, your brain is only trying to protect you—it’s just overzealous. Treat it with compassion and maybe even a little humor. Laughing at the absurdity of your brain’s “protection plan” can ease tension and help you loosen control.
The Paradox: Healing Happens When You Stop Trying So Hard
Here’s the twist: healing chronic mind-body conditions doesn’t come from pushing harder—it comes from leaning back.
Your nervous system needs space, patience, and kindness—not more effort and control.
The invitation is to lean into symptoms with openness, not run away from them in fear or resistance.
That’s how you break the cycle.
Final Thoughts
If you’re caught in the exhausting loop of trying harder to get better, take a breath and remember this: your nervous system is not your enemy. It’s a wildly loyal guardian that just needs to learn it can take a break.
The most radical healing step you can take is often the simplest: stop trying so hard.
Give yourself permission to relax, to feel what you feel without judgment, and to trust your brain’s amazing ability to rewire itself—at its own pace.
And when the temptation to fight creeps in, smile and say, “Hey, brain, I see you. Let’s take a break and try something new.”
You might just find that getting better feels a whole lot easier when you’re not trying so hard.
If you want to explore gentle, science-backed tools to help your nervous system relax and rewire, I’m here to help. Recovery is a journey, but it doesn’t have to be a battle.
Book a free connection call with me HERE.
Keep caring for yourself, my friend.
xo, Mel
Certified Health Coach, Reiki Master/Teacher, and Pain Reprocessing Therapy Practitioner
Come connect with me on Instagram, Insight Timer, and YouTube